I start this entry off with the love of God in my heart and the education of my own experiences just a slight disclaimer before I began. Now I have noticed this strange activity in any given place, whether it be a store, restaurant, public parks, and often in clubs or party settings. When another stud and/or masculine centered female or a femme and/or girly female enters into stated places have you found yourself maybe adjusting your collar or refreshing gloss does something deep down inside moves and feels the need to refresh themselves because competition has entered? I feel we are more territorial beings than we are willing to admit. Many can say "I'm comfortable with who I am" or "I dont do that" but whether it has been subconsciously or out of habit, we at one point felt in some form we had to prep for competition. Now by all means this is not just an LBGT community it is a common problem amongst humans period, however I focused with my community. Now my hopes for this blog is to get just a few questions answered:
1. Is there an underline issue that people refuse to acknowledge?
2. Is it really that hard to admit that someone looks better?
3. For those who are in relationship, why are you so uncomfortable in your relationship where you feel threatened?
Now some may say well those questions are just like unsolved mysteries, things that will never have an answer to, but you know it doesn't have to be that way if you would be honest. For the sake of this piece I'll start. I have and sometimes slip back into a competitive spirit. If I haven't been seen in said setting in a while I go out my way to be presentable. As someone who has played a few roles within the nightlife what once was a place to come to party and release the stress of the week has slowly became mini fashion shown unbeknownst. Now this is no current trend in the song from the great O'Jays Livin' For The Weekend he states "I put on my glad rags and hit the town" now you have songs such as "I'mma hurt'em with a fit that cost a little more residence" (Gucci, Loius, Prada, Twista) which give folks these false pretense goals that they now have to go buy these labels to "stunt" on someone for a total of about 4 hours or so, and one thing I will mention is stunting leads to death sooner or later, but I digress. My question is once the club closes, and you got enough gas to maybe make it to the nearest relative house in hopes they will let you in and give you enough gas money to get home. All to hope on your way home you pray your lights are still on because you are wearing and slept in your light bill. Where do you go from there? When you got all dolled up and spent your child's daycare all for not to even get a "hey your cute", does that cause emptiness? Where does this Alpha attitude come from, and how far does it get you in life? Now hear me out, back in my youth I felt that need. I felt that at the end of the day if I left with one hook up or a compliment my job was complete. I was in, I was "that girl"...that was until someone who didn't break a sweat buying the outfit she had on that cost my entire attire came in and then the stage light dimmed, and I had to follow the routine as I stated before going to my mama house in hopes she don't cuss me out about not managing my money. After a while however I realized that the comfort I feel knowing my bills are paid, and I have gas, and I have food and that my life goals was more deserving than those pair of shoes or that gorgeous dress, so then I started investing in myself where I know I will get financial gain and all the praise from the right people. Those people who believed in me from day 1, that is where my satisfaction lies. Fashion and fame will always be forever changing so I then start thinking "when it's my time, there will be an ensemble waiting for me." Let me say this if fashion is your passion this aint yes aint for you, follow your dreams we need continuous future designers in rotation, this is for those who try hard to mirror the hottest celebrity styles without that celebrity income, again digress.
Moving on, for those in relationship, it's ok because I know you're reading this alone its ok to say, yeah I do grab my mate a little closer when another lesbian woman enters the room, its the alpha in you or whatever lie or reason you feed yourself. However if you have a stable relationship where you know you have this person mind heart and soul then what is your purpose? If any intimidation comes over me when I'm with my mate then guess what we need to have a talk when we get home because somehow there is still some uncomfort in the relationship. I've heard a million times "The same thing you did to get her is what you need to do to keep her" I've also heard "They way you got her is the same way you will loose her". Which then leads me to think that you know karma is waiting on yo ass at tha doe!! If you live right though you worry less. When searching for real love you have to know that there is a risk each and every time you fall, the key is to find that one worth the risk and once yo do, the fear of anyone else coming between is long gone. It is only when yo know that you are not doing right by the code and ethics of love does worry come about. When is the last time you and your mate had a soul touching conversation? Where you and your partner sat and bared your soul, each others fears, each others goals, each others passions. These are some of the conversations that can be had to get rid of the alpha attitude and start being in a relationship of equal balance, where you both can come out in the same grace and style of queens and king, or queens and queens or which ever title suits your situation. So next time a female walks in take a moment, stop, breathe, and remind yourself that your queen is by your side and because of our deep conversation and deep connections nobody can tear that apart.
I end this extended rant and public service announcement to ask, what are you doing for your self to get more comfortable with you. The more you find comfort in yourself, nothing or no one else can move that. Let's leave the alpha title to the heterosexual men who still as adults cant get it right. Lets act accordingly please, as a solid unified group of individuals who should be setting examples of what true love is about. Let's open this discussion, I am open to all opinion, comments, questions, concerns hit me up at swaggalicioustells@gmail.com I would like to hear more from my readers.
Peace and Blessings
Swagg P
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!!" Sweet Tooth Media is a sound board for all things poetically entertaining, entreprenuerial, cultured. Since its inception Sweet Tooth Media has provided positive press and honest commentary for artists and events. It exists to continue doing that work, however we are expanding to include social and political change as experienced in the climate of the 21st century.
Showing posts with label Lesbians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lesbians. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Friday, May 4, 2012
Eden In the Bay: Something for the Ladies!
Sweet Tooth Media is a PROUD Media Sponsor of Eden in the Bay-San Francisco Pride. EDEN and EDEN Pride Events are the brainchild of Miz Chris who produces events for LGBTQQIA community, locally, regionally and nationally. Miz Chris is known for producing quality events throughout the United States. Owner of Butch-Femme.com the oldest genderqueer site on the internet, she began her event production career in 2003 with the Butch-Femme Bash in Las Vegas. She then traveled that event to New Orleans, Baltimore, Dallas, Vegas (again) and Oakland. She moved to the Bay Area in the summer of 2008 and has been enjoying her time here in the gayest place on earth. Miz Chris is being helped out by some very talented and busy individuals. When asked who were some of those instrumental in helping Eden Pride becoming a success, I was told, that there are almost too many to name everyone, yet each person brings an area of expertise and creative edge to Eden's production. The names provided were: Shay who is a marketing specialist with a large firm in Silicone Valley; Chaney, who is an entertainment event and production director; and Charleen, ("Chikun"), who is a Chef Extraordinare and the name of her restaurant and catering company is Kain'Bian.
Learn more about this history in the making event and stay tuned for your chance to win 2 All Access Passes to Eden Pride Weekend. EDEN Pride Weekend is a 4-day event during Pride in San Francisco for women, queers, transfolks and our friends and allies. Ten events over four days with Celesbians, hot musical performances, national celebrity DJs, dancers, our host hotel and over 5,000 women come together for this amazing event.
EDEN Welcome Party/Fashion Event/Afterparty
Date/Time: June 21st, 2012
Description: It all starts here at the EDEN Welcome Party. Your ticket to the
BEST Pride Events for women and our friends. Come nosh, grab a drink and
pick up your Pre-Purchased tickets or buy them so you don’t have to wait in line!
Right after check out the EDEN Fashion Show with hot fashion designers from
San Francisco and the Bay Area it’s American’s Next Top Model meets Project
Runway! After the show, stay and get your groove on with our hot Celebrity DJs,
Celesbians and Models at the EDEN Fashion Afterparty. A great way to start off
your Pride Weekend.
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: The Cellar, 685 Sutter St, SF
EDEN Lip Service Comedy Show
Date/Time: June 22nd, 2012
Description: Get ready to laugh until your side splits. EDEN loves its funny
ladies and the comedy show has three of them coming directly to you to get you
started off right on Friday night! Being held at the gorgeously appointed Terra.
Headliner: Sandra Valls
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: Terra, 511 Harrison St, SF
EDEN Block Party
Date/Time: June 22nd, 2012
Description: WE MADE HISTORY LAST YEAR so this year we are going bigger
and harder! 3 PARTIES, 3 VENUES, 1 BLOCK! all next door to each other, 1
outdoor venue, 2 indoor venues, 1 hot night. Save your cab money because all
the women you can possibly want to meet and party with will all be just a few
steps away! Every genre of music for every taste. We are taking over Harrison
St in San Francisco at the hottest clubs in the city! Celesbians galore, over 15
Celebrity DJs on the decks, performers, dancers, food trucks and so much more!
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: The Sound Factory 525 Harrison St, SF - The Garden of EDEN (btw
Sound Factory & Terra) - Terra, 511 Harrison St, SF
EDEN/HRC Brunch
Date/Time: June 23rd, 2012
Description: Wear your biggest shades to hide the aftermath of your get down
and dirty night at the EDEN Block Party and join us for our favorite meal of the
day BRUNCH!!! Join EDEN and the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) for Brunch
only blocks away from the world famous DYKE MARCH!
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: Andalu, 3198 16th St, SF
EDEN Signature Party
Date/Time: June 23rd, 2012
Description: Anything can happen here…EDEN’s Signature Party is being held
at the sexiest space in the city. The Supperclub is a creative experience to titillate
all your senses. THIS YEAR we are adding a second dance room plus additional
space and bars to accommodate all you lovely party people. Do not be afraid to
discover the creative corners of your personality, the depths of your sensual self
and how far you will go surrounded by beds, performance, music, Celesbians,
dancers... take a bite from our forbidden fruit and trust us you will never be the
same.
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: Supperclub, 657 Harrison St, SF
EDEN Pride Afterparty
@Good Times
Date/Time: June 24th, 2012
Description: Did you know that Oakland has the largest per-capita lesbian
population in the US? Yes it’s true! That’s why on the last night of Pride we come
back to Oaktown to kick it one more time at the Bay Area’s favorite weekly party
for women, queers, transfolks. Good Times is always exactly that; gorgeous
positive people vibing to the hottest sounds in the Bay. Throwbacks, R&B, Soul,
Hip Hop, Reggae, Classic Hits with VIP Area. A 15 minute Bart ride from SF and
only two blocks from the 19th St Bart in Oakland
For details go to www.edeninthebay.com
Location: The Den, 1912 Telegraph, Oakland
For information locations and details about each event check
out www.edeninthebay.com.
LIKE OUR SWEET TOOTH MEDIA FACEBOOK PAGE and CLICK HERE to play the Eden Pride POLL Game. Once your answer has been selected, become a Sweet Tooth Media Blog Follower by leaving a comment on the blog in which you found your answer and registering with your email address.
*Disclaimer* Once a question have been answered and identity verified, you will have until May 12th to purchase your plane ticket, and make lodging arrangements and provide proof of your stay for dates June 21-24. If your proof of purchsase isnt provided by that date your All- access pass can/may be lost. Limitations and Conditions may apply.
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Systematic Bullying: A Lesbian Mother Fights Back
According to Findlaw.com, under the current law of almost all states, mothers and fathers have an equal right to custody. Courts are not supposed to assume that a child is automatically better off with the mother or the father. In a contested custody case, both the father and mother have an equal burden of proving to the court that it is in the best interest of the child that the child be in his or her custody. There are a few states (mostly in the South) that have laws providing that if everything else is equal, the mother may be preferred; but in those states, many fathers have been successful in obtaining custody, even if the mother is a fit parent.
In some states, courts say that mothers and fathers are to be considered equally, but the courts then go on to hold that it is permissible to consider the age or sex of the child when deciding custody. That usually translates to a preference for mothers if the child is young or female. But, again, it is possible for fathers in those states to gain custody, even when the mother is fit. Although judges are supposed to be neutral in custody disputes between mothers and fathers, some judges may be biased based on sex of the parent. As a group, judges are less biased in deciding custody cases today than in times past, although some observers believe bias still exists. The law of child custody has swung like a pendulum. From the early history of our country until the mid-1800s, fathers were favored for custody in the event of a divorce. Children were viewed as similar to property. If a husband and wife divorced, the man usually received the property--such as the farm or the family business. He also received custody of the children. Some courts viewed custody to the father as a natural extension of the father's duty to support and educate his children. By the mid-1800s, most states switched to a strong preference for the mother. This preference often was referred to as the Tender Years Doctrine or Maternal Presumption. Under the Tender Years Doctrine, the mother received custody as long as she was minimally fit. In other words, in a contested custody case, a mother would receive custody unless there was something very wrong with her, such as mental illness, alcoholism, or an abusive relationship with her child. The parenting skills of the father were not relevant. The automatic preference for mothers continued until the 1960s or 1980s, depending on the state. Then principles of equality took over, at least in the law books. Some judges tend to automatically favor fathers, particularly if the children are boys. In an Iowa case, for example, a trial judge gave custody of two boys, ages nine and eleven, to the father, saying that the father “will be able to engage in various activities with boys, such as athletic events, fishing, hunting, mechanical training and other activities boys are interested in.”
At the National Organization for Women's recent national conference, NOW declared that there is a "crisis for women and their children in the family law courts." According to NOW, fathers often "aggressively litigate against mothers" and "use family court to stalk, harass, punish and impoverish their former partners and children." (http://glennsacks.com/blog/?page_id=2591). Often times, no consideration is given to the best interest of the child and the court system allows this to occur.
As a lesbian, a mother, and casualty of this legal and systematic bullying, I am committing to shedding the right light on this situation. Families are being destroyed, children are being stripped of the very thing that has carried them thus far: a mother's love. According to Louisiana Courts, I have been deemed unfit to have domiciliary custody of my child because a judge indicates that "the father's lifestyle is more stable than yours' following an admission that I was in fact a lesbian. The father involved in this case, initiated the custody battle after my son Outed me to his father following my son's misbehavior's. When the father inquired about my lifestyle I told him that it was none of his business. After countless arguments, attempts to turn my son against me, and months; I received a petition for custody. Since the courts decision, I have had to endure not being able to see my child, destruction of communicative tools so that I can speak to my child frequently, and most recently, that my child can't come home for the summer. I've been limited to speaking to my child only once a week. I am unsure what the future holds, I know that I will not continue to allow these things to happen. It seems that I am the only one considering the best interest of the child. Understand that I don't have a problem with my son knowing and being involved with his father. I am the one who has helped nurture their relationship. Case in point, at my son's birth, a woman was in the delivery room with me and named my son. I contacted the father in attempt to get his signature on the birth certificate. The father refused to sign it. During the first 8 years of my son's life, the father never visited my son in Texas, nor offered any ounce of financial support. Only once did I pursue a child support petition, only to be told by the state of Texas that the father wasn't located. At the age of 8, I contacted my son's father for support with my son's behaviors in school. The father indicated to me that he was unable and not ready to take care of my son, despite the fact that he was now married and the father to two other children and 1 step child. So, the father's sister (my son's Godparent) contacted me and said that she and her husband would care for my son. At the paternal's grandmothers request, the father, got involved and signed a one year temporary custody agreement between all three adults. The first few months went smoothly, until the father and his sister begin to have disagreements that led to physical altercations, regarding allegations that the sister was a lesbian. This led to my son actually going to live with his father and his wife. The father's daughter and the wife's son don't live in the home with the family. Only my son and their youngest child. In addition, the father, has had a few DUI's and domestic violence incidents that resulted in arrest. In the court hearing, none of these things were submitted or considered. The lawyer I hired and paid in full was a male and didn't fight the case, he didn't submit evidence given and hasn't followed up with me. To date I still have no custody order, visitation agreement or any kind of judgment. The first and only court date was October 2010. After verifying this morning, the only thing on file are minutes from the hearing. When I asked what could be done so that I may see my child, I was told to contact my lawyer... the same lawyer that has failed to follow-up with me, submit any court documents to the court or me, and has failed to represent me, despite his obvious bias. In other words, the only thing I have saying that I can't have custody of my son are the words from the judges' mouth: "His father's lifestyle is more stable than yours". If this isn't legal/systematic bullying, I don't know what is.I want to examine, how the courts view 'lesbian mothers'.
'To many people in our society, the phrase "lesbian mother" is confusing and contradictory. Ignorance about homosexuality and insensitivity to women have made it difficult for many people to deal with the concept of lesbian mothers. Recent estimates suggest that there are well over 1.5 million lesbian mothers in this country.' (http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf) A review of current demographics of families in the United States reveals that the traditional intact, two-parent family is yielding in prevalence to a myriad of other family forms (Flaks, Fischer, Masterpasqua, & Gregory, 1995). While impossible to portray accurately, it is estimated that somewhere between 3% and 10% of the adult male population in the United States identifies as exclusively homosexual (Patterson, 1995a; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1983). If we extend these percentages to females, it can be estimated that there are between 7 and 15 million gays and lesbians in the United States today. Further extending these estimates to include the immediate family members (brothers, sisters, parents, and perhaps even children), reveals that at least 50 million Americans are either themselves homosexual, or have a close family member who is (Bozett, 1989; Miller, 1979) . While these estimates may be somewhat suspect, they do reveal that gays and lesbians are becoming significantly more prevalent in our society or, at least, more visible. Lesbians have been bearing and raising children for a long time, and they choose to parent for many of the same reasons as heterosexual women (Pies, 1990). Yet, when a lesbian first expresses an interest in having a child, she is likely to encounter negative reactions ranging from confusion to outright hostility (Rohrbaugh, 1989). Institutionalized beliefs presume that childbearing is only to occur within the limited context of a heterosexual relationship. Homophobia and heterosexism are the institutional reflections of social values that create and maintain the status quo, and these also operate to present lesbian motherhood as an inherent contradiction (DiLapi, 1989). Although the American family is changing, it is clear that homophobia is still a widespread phenomena.
An examination of lesbian motherhood requires a look at the social context within which women as a group currently exist in the United States. It is important to recognize that, in addition to heterosexism, lesbians also face the oppression common to all women, particularly in the areas of employment and housing (DiLapi, 1989). Yet, research has indicated that both groups are still quite capable of raising their children in appropriate and healthy ways, and that significant differences do not generally exist among them (Strong & Schinfeld, 1984). Until recently, lesbian mothers received little legal or psychological attention. The rights and needs of a lesbian mothers have been neglected because it has been generally assumed that lesbian mothers are pitiful abberrations . With the expansion of the women's and the gay liberation movements, more women are recognizing and affirming their homosexuality. Usually the worst fear of a lesbian mother, and the greatest emotional trauma and legal problem that she can encounter, is a custody battle for her children based on the grounds that her sexuality renders her "unfit". The cases overwhelmingly demonstrate the difficulty they face in attempting to maintain custody of their children and to affirm their self-identity at the same time. (http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf).
The original decisions made by the courts as to which parent will receive custody of the child, is made under the view of "the best interest of the child" and any evidence concerning the child's environment is relevant. The courts are to hear evidence as to the physical facilities, locale of the home, the family composition, the moral standard of the parties, financial status, as well as evidence of the child's preference and the emotional bonds between the child and each party. While this latitude protects parents and children from inflexible rules which might preclude the essential human aspect of a custody dispute, it also permits, perhaps even encourages the biases of a judge to be given free rein. When the issue is lesbianism in a society in which homosexuality is often viewed as immoral or unhealthy, the possibility for abuse are clear. To deprive a parent of custody because of what one judge may consider misconduct offends the belief that cases should be decided on rational and predictable, rather than arbitrary grounds. Once court has recognized: {A} judge should not base his decision upon his disapproval of the morals or personal characteristics of a parent that do not harm the child. It is not his function to punish a parent by taking away a child.
Some findings suggest that there may be important and beneficial outcomes from being the product of a lesbian family, such as increased appreciations for diversity and expanded views of gender roles (Patterson, 1995b). Previous research has also revealed that lesbian mothers are more similar than different from heterosexual mothers (Harris & Turner, 1986). This raises important sociocultural and psychological issues. Should continued research demonstrate the viability of these alternative family structures, it will necessitate the reformulation of currently accepted theories (e.g., social learning) which prescribe that healthy development requires opposite-sex parents for the tasks of identification and modeling (Flaks, Ficher, Masterpasqua, & Joseph, 1995). While most of the literature on child development has been based on those raised in heterosexual families, there is also a substantial amount of empirical literature regarding those raised by gay and lesbian parents (e.g., Gottman, 1990; Riddle, 1978). Much of this research is in response to the growing visibility of lesbian and gay families, much like the single parent family, as an alternative to the traditional heterosexual family. However, in contrast to the single-parent family, the increased visibility of the gay parent families has not lead to a corresponding increase of their acceptability (Steckel, 1987).
Negative stereotypes concerning homosexuals continue to abound, including fears that they will molest children and/or seduce them into their own "deviant" homosexual lifestyle (Riddle, 1978). Given this, it is not surprising that many heterosexuals, particularly heterosexual parents, are concerned about possible consequences of contact between homosexual adults and children. These fears continue even though the American Psychological Associations has declassified homosexuality as a psychiatric disorder, and provides clear evidence that the issue is far from resolved. Research concerning the children of lesbian and gay parents has focused on such things as gender identity (Green, 1978), gender role development (Hoeffer, 1981), emotional development (Golombok, Spencer, & Rutter, 1983), intelligence (Kirkpatrick, Smith, & Roy, 1981), self-esteem (Huggins, 1989), and independence (Steckel, 1985). Much of this research is presented as a response to negative societal opinion, and sexual orientation of the parent continues to be a major issue in public policy formation (Patterson, 1992). Many gay parents are brought to the attention of authorities when a custody battle is being waged with an ex-spouse over their children. A gay parent seeking either custody, continuation of parental rights, or visitation privileges is generally at a legal disadvantage because of the subjective criteria used by many judges to serve the "best interests" of the child (Payne, 1978). It has been estimated that a lesbian mother's likelihood of obtaining custody of her biological children is less that 50% (Falk, 1989). The odds that a gay mother or father will lose or be denied privileges increases when the parent's sexual orientation is an issue in custody hearings (Hitchens, 1980). In fact, according to Polikoff (1986), a lesbian mother must portray herself as being as close to the All-American norm as possible -- the image of her ideal heterosexual counterpart -- and preferably asexual, if she is to have any chance of obtaining custody in a court dispute. Few rights are as fundamental and accepted by society as the right of parents to raise children. Yet many courts have viewed the prospect of gays and lesbians as parents in such a negative fashion that they have refused custody to some parents based solely on their sexual orientation (Falk, 1989). Their reasons for doing this are varied, but generally center around the following alleged concerns: (a) that these parents are less mentally fit, (b) that they will molest their children, (c) that their children will be stigmatized by their peers, and (d) that their children are more likely to become gay or lesbian themselves (Falk, 1989; Kleber, Howell, & Tibbits-Kleber, 1986; Rivera, 1987). However, previous studies have revealed no significant association between sexual orientation and psychological characteristics relevant to parenting (Falk, 1989; Kleber, Howell, & Tibbits-Kleber, 1986; Knight, 1983; Patterson, 1994).
I have endured many things to keep peace, and for the best interest of my child. So this is my personal testament and commitment, to end misogynistic bullying. This is my call to America's policy maker, legislators, and people of power to lay down conservative bias and stop destroying families and the lives of those involved. Before, I never understood, the reason for suicide. The recent bullying-suicide victims has opened the eyes of America, what happens when a mother is backed in to similar corners screaming for help?...
For full article details visit: http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf
http://www.ibiblio.org/gaylaw/issue6/Mcneill.htm
*UPDATE* May 7, 2013
The last update on this blog was made exactly 2 years ago...Tons of things have transpired and I have been pushed to write more and bring an update. Summer 2011 I was denied the right to see my child by his father because the father didn't like the notion that I required him to aid in the participation of transporting my child to or from Louisiana during visits with me, his mother. The rationale that he provided was, "he's going to camp'. Needless to say my son didn't get to spend his summer with me. I had no representation or support regarding the legal matters and again I was forced to sit on my hands. October 2011, I met with a lawyer in La. whose information I acquired from research I'd done, after the consultation, I went to pick up my son. His father and I sat down and attempted to come to a mutual agreement regarding visitation, taxes, and transporting my son during visits. Satisfied with the outcome and finally some consensus, I hugged his father. That opened Pandora's box and led to the disclosure of the real reason that a petition of custody was filed: "I didn't like what you were doing, and you didn't give me an opportunity to take care of you and my son." Once revealed and confirmed, I redirected the latter part of that statement..." I didn't give you a chance to beat and cheat on me like you did your wife...I wanted better for my son and myself and that environment wouldn't have been conducive to anyone's success or growth.
With Pandora's box now open, my son's father decides that he wants to confess his love for me, he begin to call and text daily, not to discuss information about our son but to emotionally "cheat" on his wife hoping that it would evolve physically. I begin to use those opportunities to my advantage and was able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2011 with my son. Something I hadn't done in 2 years. I was overwhelmed with Joy as things finally seemed to be looking up for everyone. My son was then in 7th grade, doing well in school, and his father for what it was worth, had allowed my continuum of care for my child. I was able to see my child Easter of 2012 and was able to have him for the entire summer of 2012. All of this was contingent on my allowing and engaging his fathers phone calls. As the summer winds down, I asked my son to write 3 letters, one to me, one to himself, and one to his father. Those letters revealed that my son loves me and himself but "hates" his dad, because of being called stupid, and hit on in the most extreme ways...I even learned that he no longer calls his father "dad/daddy" he calls him by his first name. When I asked him why he disclosed that he couldn't respect a man, that doesn't respect him.
Lets jump now to Fall 2012 my son's 8th grade year. He's playing football doing pretty well. There is clearly some tension between he and his father but nothing has been done to address it. My son decides that he no longer want to take the medication that was given to him by his father and step father for ADHD because he doesn't like the side effects of the medication. There was no re-precaution for making this decision nor was there any follow up with a physician. In November, my son who has been placed with his father because his lifestyle was more stable than my lesbian lifestyle, went back to live with his alleged lesbian aunt and her family because, my son's father had had enough of my son's misbehavior and he was "done". My initial response you're done....with what? The son that you cared enough about to disrupt the life he had grown accustomed to living? Since November my son has been expelled from school twice and has now been suspended from the alternative school for the rest of the year. On yesterday May 6, 2013, I receive a call from my son's aunt who stated, "You can have him back now, because we have done all we could do to help him". I informed her that the issue is that his father hasnt done anything for him but disrupt his life. So now, I can have my damaged unfixable son back??? Indicating that I lost him in the first place and because he cant be fixed you want to return him to sender? My son is not a Wal-Mart item...but as mom, I will attempt to save my son once again...The Fight Continues....!
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
In some states, courts say that mothers and fathers are to be considered equally, but the courts then go on to hold that it is permissible to consider the age or sex of the child when deciding custody. That usually translates to a preference for mothers if the child is young or female. But, again, it is possible for fathers in those states to gain custody, even when the mother is fit. Although judges are supposed to be neutral in custody disputes between mothers and fathers, some judges may be biased based on sex of the parent. As a group, judges are less biased in deciding custody cases today than in times past, although some observers believe bias still exists. The law of child custody has swung like a pendulum. From the early history of our country until the mid-1800s, fathers were favored for custody in the event of a divorce. Children were viewed as similar to property. If a husband and wife divorced, the man usually received the property--such as the farm or the family business. He also received custody of the children. Some courts viewed custody to the father as a natural extension of the father's duty to support and educate his children. By the mid-1800s, most states switched to a strong preference for the mother. This preference often was referred to as the Tender Years Doctrine or Maternal Presumption. Under the Tender Years Doctrine, the mother received custody as long as she was minimally fit. In other words, in a contested custody case, a mother would receive custody unless there was something very wrong with her, such as mental illness, alcoholism, or an abusive relationship with her child. The parenting skills of the father were not relevant. The automatic preference for mothers continued until the 1960s or 1980s, depending on the state. Then principles of equality took over, at least in the law books. Some judges tend to automatically favor fathers, particularly if the children are boys. In an Iowa case, for example, a trial judge gave custody of two boys, ages nine and eleven, to the father, saying that the father “will be able to engage in various activities with boys, such as athletic events, fishing, hunting, mechanical training and other activities boys are interested in.”
At the National Organization for Women's recent national conference, NOW declared that there is a "crisis for women and their children in the family law courts." According to NOW, fathers often "aggressively litigate against mothers" and "use family court to stalk, harass, punish and impoverish their former partners and children." (http://glennsacks.com/blog/?page_id=2591). Often times, no consideration is given to the best interest of the child and the court system allows this to occur.
As a lesbian, a mother, and casualty of this legal and systematic bullying, I am committing to shedding the right light on this situation. Families are being destroyed, children are being stripped of the very thing that has carried them thus far: a mother's love. According to Louisiana Courts, I have been deemed unfit to have domiciliary custody of my child because a judge indicates that "the father's lifestyle is more stable than yours' following an admission that I was in fact a lesbian. The father involved in this case, initiated the custody battle after my son Outed me to his father following my son's misbehavior's. When the father inquired about my lifestyle I told him that it was none of his business. After countless arguments, attempts to turn my son against me, and months; I received a petition for custody. Since the courts decision, I have had to endure not being able to see my child, destruction of communicative tools so that I can speak to my child frequently, and most recently, that my child can't come home for the summer. I've been limited to speaking to my child only once a week. I am unsure what the future holds, I know that I will not continue to allow these things to happen. It seems that I am the only one considering the best interest of the child. Understand that I don't have a problem with my son knowing and being involved with his father. I am the one who has helped nurture their relationship. Case in point, at my son's birth, a woman was in the delivery room with me and named my son. I contacted the father in attempt to get his signature on the birth certificate. The father refused to sign it. During the first 8 years of my son's life, the father never visited my son in Texas, nor offered any ounce of financial support. Only once did I pursue a child support petition, only to be told by the state of Texas that the father wasn't located. At the age of 8, I contacted my son's father for support with my son's behaviors in school. The father indicated to me that he was unable and not ready to take care of my son, despite the fact that he was now married and the father to two other children and 1 step child. So, the father's sister (my son's Godparent) contacted me and said that she and her husband would care for my son. At the paternal's grandmothers request, the father, got involved and signed a one year temporary custody agreement between all three adults. The first few months went smoothly, until the father and his sister begin to have disagreements that led to physical altercations, regarding allegations that the sister was a lesbian. This led to my son actually going to live with his father and his wife. The father's daughter and the wife's son don't live in the home with the family. Only my son and their youngest child. In addition, the father, has had a few DUI's and domestic violence incidents that resulted in arrest. In the court hearing, none of these things were submitted or considered. The lawyer I hired and paid in full was a male and didn't fight the case, he didn't submit evidence given and hasn't followed up with me. To date I still have no custody order, visitation agreement or any kind of judgment. The first and only court date was October 2010. After verifying this morning, the only thing on file are minutes from the hearing. When I asked what could be done so that I may see my child, I was told to contact my lawyer... the same lawyer that has failed to follow-up with me, submit any court documents to the court or me, and has failed to represent me, despite his obvious bias. In other words, the only thing I have saying that I can't have custody of my son are the words from the judges' mouth: "His father's lifestyle is more stable than yours". If this isn't legal/systematic bullying, I don't know what is.I want to examine, how the courts view 'lesbian mothers'.
'To many people in our society, the phrase "lesbian mother" is confusing and contradictory. Ignorance about homosexuality and insensitivity to women have made it difficult for many people to deal with the concept of lesbian mothers. Recent estimates suggest that there are well over 1.5 million lesbian mothers in this country.' (http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf) A review of current demographics of families in the United States reveals that the traditional intact, two-parent family is yielding in prevalence to a myriad of other family forms (Flaks, Fischer, Masterpasqua, & Gregory, 1995). While impossible to portray accurately, it is estimated that somewhere between 3% and 10% of the adult male population in the United States identifies as exclusively homosexual (Patterson, 1995a; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1983). If we extend these percentages to females, it can be estimated that there are between 7 and 15 million gays and lesbians in the United States today. Further extending these estimates to include the immediate family members (brothers, sisters, parents, and perhaps even children), reveals that at least 50 million Americans are either themselves homosexual, or have a close family member who is (Bozett, 1989; Miller, 1979) . While these estimates may be somewhat suspect, they do reveal that gays and lesbians are becoming significantly more prevalent in our society or, at least, more visible. Lesbians have been bearing and raising children for a long time, and they choose to parent for many of the same reasons as heterosexual women (Pies, 1990). Yet, when a lesbian first expresses an interest in having a child, she is likely to encounter negative reactions ranging from confusion to outright hostility (Rohrbaugh, 1989). Institutionalized beliefs presume that childbearing is only to occur within the limited context of a heterosexual relationship. Homophobia and heterosexism are the institutional reflections of social values that create and maintain the status quo, and these also operate to present lesbian motherhood as an inherent contradiction (DiLapi, 1989). Although the American family is changing, it is clear that homophobia is still a widespread phenomena.
An examination of lesbian motherhood requires a look at the social context within which women as a group currently exist in the United States. It is important to recognize that, in addition to heterosexism, lesbians also face the oppression common to all women, particularly in the areas of employment and housing (DiLapi, 1989). Yet, research has indicated that both groups are still quite capable of raising their children in appropriate and healthy ways, and that significant differences do not generally exist among them (Strong & Schinfeld, 1984). Until recently, lesbian mothers received little legal or psychological attention. The rights and needs of a lesbian mothers have been neglected because it has been generally assumed that lesbian mothers are pitiful abberrations . With the expansion of the women's and the gay liberation movements, more women are recognizing and affirming their homosexuality. Usually the worst fear of a lesbian mother, and the greatest emotional trauma and legal problem that she can encounter, is a custody battle for her children based on the grounds that her sexuality renders her "unfit". The cases overwhelmingly demonstrate the difficulty they face in attempting to maintain custody of their children and to affirm their self-identity at the same time. (http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf).
The original decisions made by the courts as to which parent will receive custody of the child, is made under the view of "the best interest of the child" and any evidence concerning the child's environment is relevant. The courts are to hear evidence as to the physical facilities, locale of the home, the family composition, the moral standard of the parties, financial status, as well as evidence of the child's preference and the emotional bonds between the child and each party. While this latitude protects parents and children from inflexible rules which might preclude the essential human aspect of a custody dispute, it also permits, perhaps even encourages the biases of a judge to be given free rein. When the issue is lesbianism in a society in which homosexuality is often viewed as immoral or unhealthy, the possibility for abuse are clear. To deprive a parent of custody because of what one judge may consider misconduct offends the belief that cases should be decided on rational and predictable, rather than arbitrary grounds. Once court has recognized: {A} judge should not base his decision upon his disapproval of the morals or personal characteristics of a parent that do not harm the child. It is not his function to punish a parent by taking away a child.
Some findings suggest that there may be important and beneficial outcomes from being the product of a lesbian family, such as increased appreciations for diversity and expanded views of gender roles (Patterson, 1995b). Previous research has also revealed that lesbian mothers are more similar than different from heterosexual mothers (Harris & Turner, 1986). This raises important sociocultural and psychological issues. Should continued research demonstrate the viability of these alternative family structures, it will necessitate the reformulation of currently accepted theories (e.g., social learning) which prescribe that healthy development requires opposite-sex parents for the tasks of identification and modeling (Flaks, Ficher, Masterpasqua, & Joseph, 1995). While most of the literature on child development has been based on those raised in heterosexual families, there is also a substantial amount of empirical literature regarding those raised by gay and lesbian parents (e.g., Gottman, 1990; Riddle, 1978). Much of this research is in response to the growing visibility of lesbian and gay families, much like the single parent family, as an alternative to the traditional heterosexual family. However, in contrast to the single-parent family, the increased visibility of the gay parent families has not lead to a corresponding increase of their acceptability (Steckel, 1987).
Negative stereotypes concerning homosexuals continue to abound, including fears that they will molest children and/or seduce them into their own "deviant" homosexual lifestyle (Riddle, 1978). Given this, it is not surprising that many heterosexuals, particularly heterosexual parents, are concerned about possible consequences of contact between homosexual adults and children. These fears continue even though the American Psychological Associations has declassified homosexuality as a psychiatric disorder, and provides clear evidence that the issue is far from resolved. Research concerning the children of lesbian and gay parents has focused on such things as gender identity (Green, 1978), gender role development (Hoeffer, 1981), emotional development (Golombok, Spencer, & Rutter, 1983), intelligence (Kirkpatrick, Smith, & Roy, 1981), self-esteem (Huggins, 1989), and independence (Steckel, 1985). Much of this research is presented as a response to negative societal opinion, and sexual orientation of the parent continues to be a major issue in public policy formation (Patterson, 1992). Many gay parents are brought to the attention of authorities when a custody battle is being waged with an ex-spouse over their children. A gay parent seeking either custody, continuation of parental rights, or visitation privileges is generally at a legal disadvantage because of the subjective criteria used by many judges to serve the "best interests" of the child (Payne, 1978). It has been estimated that a lesbian mother's likelihood of obtaining custody of her biological children is less that 50% (Falk, 1989). The odds that a gay mother or father will lose or be denied privileges increases when the parent's sexual orientation is an issue in custody hearings (Hitchens, 1980). In fact, according to Polikoff (1986), a lesbian mother must portray herself as being as close to the All-American norm as possible -- the image of her ideal heterosexual counterpart -- and preferably asexual, if she is to have any chance of obtaining custody in a court dispute. Few rights are as fundamental and accepted by society as the right of parents to raise children. Yet many courts have viewed the prospect of gays and lesbians as parents in such a negative fashion that they have refused custody to some parents based solely on their sexual orientation (Falk, 1989). Their reasons for doing this are varied, but generally center around the following alleged concerns: (a) that these parents are less mentally fit, (b) that they will molest their children, (c) that their children will be stigmatized by their peers, and (d) that their children are more likely to become gay or lesbian themselves (Falk, 1989; Kleber, Howell, & Tibbits-Kleber, 1986; Rivera, 1987). However, previous studies have revealed no significant association between sexual orientation and psychological characteristics relevant to parenting (Falk, 1989; Kleber, Howell, & Tibbits-Kleber, 1986; Knight, 1983; Patterson, 1994).
I have endured many things to keep peace, and for the best interest of my child. So this is my personal testament and commitment, to end misogynistic bullying. This is my call to America's policy maker, legislators, and people of power to lay down conservative bias and stop destroying families and the lives of those involved. Before, I never understood, the reason for suicide. The recent bullying-suicide victims has opened the eyes of America, what happens when a mother is backed in to similar corners screaming for help?...
For full article details visit: http://www.williamapercy.com/wiki/images/Custody_Rights_of_Lesbian_Mothers.pdf
http://www.ibiblio.org/gaylaw/issue6/Mcneill.htm
*UPDATE* May 7, 2013
The last update on this blog was made exactly 2 years ago...Tons of things have transpired and I have been pushed to write more and bring an update. Summer 2011 I was denied the right to see my child by his father because the father didn't like the notion that I required him to aid in the participation of transporting my child to or from Louisiana during visits with me, his mother. The rationale that he provided was, "he's going to camp'. Needless to say my son didn't get to spend his summer with me. I had no representation or support regarding the legal matters and again I was forced to sit on my hands. October 2011, I met with a lawyer in La. whose information I acquired from research I'd done, after the consultation, I went to pick up my son. His father and I sat down and attempted to come to a mutual agreement regarding visitation, taxes, and transporting my son during visits. Satisfied with the outcome and finally some consensus, I hugged his father. That opened Pandora's box and led to the disclosure of the real reason that a petition of custody was filed: "I didn't like what you were doing, and you didn't give me an opportunity to take care of you and my son." Once revealed and confirmed, I redirected the latter part of that statement..." I didn't give you a chance to beat and cheat on me like you did your wife...I wanted better for my son and myself and that environment wouldn't have been conducive to anyone's success or growth.
With Pandora's box now open, my son's father decides that he wants to confess his love for me, he begin to call and text daily, not to discuss information about our son but to emotionally "cheat" on his wife hoping that it would evolve physically. I begin to use those opportunities to my advantage and was able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2011 with my son. Something I hadn't done in 2 years. I was overwhelmed with Joy as things finally seemed to be looking up for everyone. My son was then in 7th grade, doing well in school, and his father for what it was worth, had allowed my continuum of care for my child. I was able to see my child Easter of 2012 and was able to have him for the entire summer of 2012. All of this was contingent on my allowing and engaging his fathers phone calls. As the summer winds down, I asked my son to write 3 letters, one to me, one to himself, and one to his father. Those letters revealed that my son loves me and himself but "hates" his dad, because of being called stupid, and hit on in the most extreme ways...I even learned that he no longer calls his father "dad/daddy" he calls him by his first name. When I asked him why he disclosed that he couldn't respect a man, that doesn't respect him.
Lets jump now to Fall 2012 my son's 8th grade year. He's playing football doing pretty well. There is clearly some tension between he and his father but nothing has been done to address it. My son decides that he no longer want to take the medication that was given to him by his father and step father for ADHD because he doesn't like the side effects of the medication. There was no re-precaution for making this decision nor was there any follow up with a physician. In November, my son who has been placed with his father because his lifestyle was more stable than my lesbian lifestyle, went back to live with his alleged lesbian aunt and her family because, my son's father had had enough of my son's misbehavior and he was "done". My initial response you're done....with what? The son that you cared enough about to disrupt the life he had grown accustomed to living? Since November my son has been expelled from school twice and has now been suspended from the alternative school for the rest of the year. On yesterday May 6, 2013, I receive a call from my son's aunt who stated, "You can have him back now, because we have done all we could do to help him". I informed her that the issue is that his father hasnt done anything for him but disrupt his life. So now, I can have my damaged unfixable son back??? Indicating that I lost him in the first place and because he cant be fixed you want to return him to sender? My son is not a Wal-Mart item...but as mom, I will attempt to save my son once again...The Fight Continues....!
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Desire, Hostility, Delusion: A Cinematic Debut and Red Carpet Premier Press Release
PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 05/17/2011
THE “NEW GAY” IN FILM
Red Carpet Film Premier of “Desire, Hostility, Delusion”, an Ink Media Film where films are created to focus on traditional life experiences, not the typical gay stereotypes.
(Houston, Texas) - Films that depict “Real Lives” and “Real Issues” in gay life could look like traditional families and their everyday issues. In the new film “Desire, Hostility, Delusion,” Writer/Director Lyndonne Payne, creates a storyline where the gay characters could easily be replaced with straight characters and the the issues would still be relevant. She is the newest break-out star whose hope is to create films that represent real world issues facing gays and lesbians to the big screen. Desire Hostility Delusion is our introduction into the lives of characters we will see once Payne begins filming a series that chronicles Real Lesbian Life. Payne says, “Films, where viewers can relate to the issues and appeal to any audience is the future of film making. The major differences are of course, the outcomes.“
In her Cinematic drama debut, Lyndonne Payne explores the lives of four women whose desperate attempts at achieving self fulfillment turn deadly. In the film, the character Gabby (Latoya Jarett) who is career driven and determined, takes violent and desperate measures to achieve her dream of having a child. Her partner, Cinematographer, Tess (Erica Gipson), is unwilling to give up the life she has worked so hard to establish; the two women find themselves in their ten year relationship with different agendas and aspirations for their future together. Their paths ultimately cross with Toni (Edith Morales) and Stacy (Charlene Cruse) who share a similar story. The film explores the issues of surrogacy, civil unions, domestic violence, friendships, addiction, loyalty, death and grief. These issues are faced in everyday life by individuals regardless of lifestyle. Hopefully, more film makers will make films that allow the world to see that gays and lesbians live regular lives and encounter issues that effect people in general.
Payne premier’s her debut film in her hometown of Houston, Texas where most of the actors reside. Payne, in collaboration with Star Management Group and Sweet Tooth Media has created a Red Carpet Screening Event which will feature 2 showings of the film.
When/Where: Sunday, June, 26, 2011 - TBH Theater- 333 Jensen Drive, Houston, Texas 77003
Press Check In: 3:00pm
Show #1: 4:00p – 5:30p
Champagne Reception: 5:30 – 6:30
Show #2: 6:30p – 8:00p
General Admission Seating: $10
VIP Seating: $15
The screening features a Champagne Reception Hosted by Performer and Activist, Mildred “DRED” Gerestant ( http://www.dredlove.com/ ) and a Meet and Greet with the actors during intermission. There will be future Red Carpet Screenings of the film in Dallas, Miami, Atlanta, DC, Las Vegas, New York and Chicago. To host a Red Carpet screening of this film in your city, contact Ink Media Productions: dhd@inkmediaproductions.com. Press materials available at http://www.desirehostilitydelusion.com/
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 05/17/2011
THE “NEW GAY” IN FILM
Red Carpet Film Premier of “Desire, Hostility, Delusion”, an Ink Media Film where films are created to focus on traditional life experiences, not the typical gay stereotypes.
(Houston, Texas) - Films that depict “Real Lives” and “Real Issues” in gay life could look like traditional families and their everyday issues. In the new film “Desire, Hostility, Delusion,” Writer/Director Lyndonne Payne, creates a storyline where the gay characters could easily be replaced with straight characters and the the issues would still be relevant. She is the newest break-out star whose hope is to create films that represent real world issues facing gays and lesbians to the big screen. Desire Hostility Delusion is our introduction into the lives of characters we will see once Payne begins filming a series that chronicles Real Lesbian Life. Payne says, “Films, where viewers can relate to the issues and appeal to any audience is the future of film making. The major differences are of course, the outcomes.“
In her Cinematic drama debut, Lyndonne Payne explores the lives of four women whose desperate attempts at achieving self fulfillment turn deadly. In the film, the character Gabby (Latoya Jarett) who is career driven and determined, takes violent and desperate measures to achieve her dream of having a child. Her partner, Cinematographer, Tess (Erica Gipson), is unwilling to give up the life she has worked so hard to establish; the two women find themselves in their ten year relationship with different agendas and aspirations for their future together. Their paths ultimately cross with Toni (Edith Morales) and Stacy (Charlene Cruse) who share a similar story. The film explores the issues of surrogacy, civil unions, domestic violence, friendships, addiction, loyalty, death and grief. These issues are faced in everyday life by individuals regardless of lifestyle. Hopefully, more film makers will make films that allow the world to see that gays and lesbians live regular lives and encounter issues that effect people in general.
Payne premier’s her debut film in her hometown of Houston, Texas where most of the actors reside. Payne, in collaboration with Star Management Group and Sweet Tooth Media has created a Red Carpet Screening Event which will feature 2 showings of the film.
When/Where: Sunday, June, 26, 2011 - TBH Theater- 333 Jensen Drive, Houston, Texas 77003
Press Check In: 3:00pm
Show #1: 4:00p – 5:30p
Champagne Reception: 5:30 – 6:30
Show #2: 6:30p – 8:00p
General Admission Seating: $10
VIP Seating: $15
The screening features a Champagne Reception Hosted by Performer and Activist, Mildred “DRED” Gerestant ( http://www.dredlove.com/ ) and a Meet and Greet with the actors during intermission. There will be future Red Carpet Screenings of the film in Dallas, Miami, Atlanta, DC, Las Vegas, New York and Chicago. To host a Red Carpet screening of this film in your city, contact Ink Media Productions: dhd@inkmediaproductions.com. Press materials available at http://www.desirehostilitydelusion.com/
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Independent Woman: Traveling the U.S of A! First Stop HOTLanta
Check Out my a few of my new favorites:
http://www.tagsatl.com/
http://www.carolsdaughter.com/
http://www.melia.com/
http://www.alamo.com/
"Buzzworthy Cravings, Creatively Satisfied!"
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